Nursing Theory

It's a good thing that there is such a thing as "research" with statistics and the whole nine yards that are based on scientific evidence and not solely on the birds' eye observation. For example, here are some things that nurses might consider absolute fact if some statistician out there hasn't researched otherwise. And even if these things aren't true on paper, they won't convince me otherwise.

1) The lower your IQ is, the higher your chance will be for having a VERY easy time getting pregnant, and it's not the tap water you've been drinking, either. If you have an extremely high IQ with absolutely no common sense, it's almost as easy for you to get pregnant, but you will have to repeat your questions to the staff because you will have absolutely no clue what to expect when your baby emergently sneezes and goes back to sleep.

2) The lower your IQ is, you will have increased chance of getting government aid to pay for your birthing experience; the more kids you have, the more the nurses' tax dollars will pay for you to have more kids. So they pay to take care of you and they pay for your kids' education and groceries. Pretty good bargain, I'd say.

3) If you are a princess, there is a direct correlation between the amount of personal belongings you bring into the hospital for your stay and the quicker you will be sent home because you are not in real labor yet.

4) If you are a princess and have lots of personal belongings, birth plans, electronics, and demands of the staff, the greater the correlation will be for having a vaginal bypass. (We don't call them c-sections around you because we don't want to cause undo labor pain or undue distress.)

5) If the very first thing you say to the nurse is, "Where's my epidural?", the higher the chance is that you are only 0.5 cenimeters dilated and that you will be sent home until you are really in labor. (Really! We do see this a lot.)

6) If you are very nasty to the staff before, during, and most especially after the baby is born, you can bet your boots the chances are VERY high that your nurse will make you the last priority on their rounds.

7) For the nurses, if there's a particular meal at the cafeteria that you've been planning on eating and thus didn't pack a lunch, you have a 98% chance of having patients from 11:00 until 1:59. Since the cafeteria closes at 2:00, well, sorry shipmate. You should have hedged your bets and brought a back-up lunch. This might help to decrease the 98% chance that you won't get lunch.

8) If you are a nurse, when you really have to pee, the chances are 99.5% that you will get an active labor patient who is complete but who has to push an hour before delivering and who wants an epidural. Again, sorry shipmate, but hit the potty when you think you DON'T have to pee.

9) If you don't want to be in labor on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, the chances of you missing your party or dinner will increase dramatically.

10) If you are a nurse and sign up to go home early, you have 100% chance of being inundated with patients.

After looking these over, I realize they sound terribly jaded and bitter, but I think they're supposed to be funny. Nursing humor, what can I say. While I don't treat even my worst patients with rudeness, sometimes the bittter ironies of my job get the better of me by the time I get home.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope my dear blog readers are enjoying their holidays with family and friends.